Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
