Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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