oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
