I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize