just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
