Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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