I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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