Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
