I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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