At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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