So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
