Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
