I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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