I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
