he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
