I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
