Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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