I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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