you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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