So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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