She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
