Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
there is glitter all over my balls
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