I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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