I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
