I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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