my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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