I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
