Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
