I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
We smell like vodka and hangover
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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