don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
