I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
