in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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