Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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