i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
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