Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
