Grow some girl-balls and come out already
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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