If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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