I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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