I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
