Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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