You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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