just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
