Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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