i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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