So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
