I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
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