I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
