Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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