I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
