i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
