Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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