I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
