Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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