i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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