Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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