Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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