I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
