why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
