dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
