A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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