totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
