I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize